When someone argues against what you believe,
it does not create doubt.
When things happen that seem to contradict what you thought was true,
it does not create doubt.
Doubt exists because of a lack of confidence.
Insecurity is doubt.
It is when you yourself question what you thought you believe, that you realize you have doubts.
If you have read any of my prior blogs you know I write a lot about grace.
My story, which is involved in a lot of what I write, involves a transformation from legalism to freedom.
Following law to freedom in grace.
I was bound to a set of rules I couldn’t follow, and led to freedom by the people who told me I don’t have to follow the rules anymore.
My hope went from my ability to “get better” and “do things right”, to a hope that exists despite any strength or weakness I have.
The person who taught me about this freedom was Tullian Tchvijian.
I listened to his sermons as often as I brushed my teeth
(although, much to my dentists dismay, I probably listened to Tullian more frequently).
I saw Tullian as a man who had the freedom and faith I desire.
He taught me that hope is right there, FOR ME,
and for the worst person I know.
The same grace thats available for the pastor at the Baptist church on main street,
is there for the prostitute who works the corner of 2nd.
I no longer felt that I had to pretend like I was good.
I could be honest about my struggles, and my repeated failures, because there was hope and safety FOR ME, that came from a source COMPLETELY OUTSIDE OF ME.
But Tullian’s perfect little grace-fueled family, just informed the public that he would no longer be preaching from his church, on account of an affair that had wrecked his marriage.
Its ironic, isn’t it?
The man who preaches every sermon that leaves his lips on the filth and sin that exists within man
(admitting that he himself is the filthiest he knows)
and that a MORE powerful grace exists for that very man,
would be the one whose great sin, shame, and weakness reared its head to the oh so critical public.
I am a member of that critical public.
When I heard of Tullians affair, I was devastated.
My faith shook as I questioned whether or not the grace that Tullian taught was actually true.
But why was I doubting?
Was it because Tullian turned out to actually be a sinner?
No.
If I really believed what Tullian taught that news would NOT have shocked me.
My doubt already existed.
I didn’t begin to doubt.
I found that where I thought I had faith, doubt was already there.
Tullian can’t make me doubt.
An atheist can’t make me doubt.
If my friends turn against me or my fiance decides to leave me,
they cannot cause me to doubt.
I doubt because my faith is weak.
In the midst of my doubting I suffered confusion.
Yes, confusion causes suffering.
It is a terrible thing to not know what you believe.
To find that you are hopeless.
Faithless.
Afraid….
But in my pain,
in my doubt,
in my suffering
(and the fear that followed)
I prayed.
I told God I was scared
(as if he didn’t already know)
I told him that I didn’t want to lose my fiance,
that I didn’t want Tullian to have had an affair…
I told him that I was afraid, because I didn’t want anything to happen that was against
MY WAYS.
In my prayer I realized that I didn’t believe that God was good, that his sovereignty is best.
I discovered that my hope was in Tullian, my fiance, money, friends, family…
In the face of suffering you will find what you truly believe.
Therefore, when those people fail, or those things are taken, I am left hopeless.
In a way, I am thankful for Tullians affair.
Don’t get me wrong, I cried over what I imagine he, his wife, and his kids are probably feeling right now.
But through his confession I found my faith.
MY FAITH,
NOT in Tullian’s marriage staying together,
NOT in my own future marriage being stronger…
but in the joy I felt, the peace that hit me, the smile that spread across my face
as it dawned on me that this suffering is just what we need.
Without suffering we have faith in powerless things.
With suffering we are led to the only thing that truly makes us safe.
If Tullian was still that perfect faithful man in my mind, he would get my praise,
he would get my glory…
but thanks to Tullian’s imperfection,
I am once again reminded of where glory truly belongs.
Thanks to Tullian
(and other sinful, weak, and honest men & women)
I, once again, found true faith.
Life is tough, write a blog. 