I’m changing my perspective on struggle. No longer will I refer to this time as my “quarter life crisis” and here is why…
Any time I encounter pain, disappointment, or failure in this life, I find myself transforming into some psychotheraputic self- detective on a mission to solve my own case. Who is to blame? Why would someone hurt me? What have I done wrong? How can this be fixed?!
Off I go on this introspective journey, with bags of depression, frustration, confusion, and insecurity packed and in tow. Along the road to discovery I spend nights at the homes of friends with comforting words, in search of the direction that will lead me to my final destination. The struggle, whatever form it takes, is seen as an interruption to the life of bliss I imagine I’ve had in times past, and/or should “obviously” be experiencing at the time being.
Each time I take on the role of detective I wonder why I was hired in the first place, after all I never seem to solve the mystery at hand. So here I am, broke from all I invested into my own expertise, no closer to my destination. At this place, I ask myself ..WHAT am I even looking for? Where was I going!? The lack of answers to these questions only suggests that I am not getting this whole “life” thing right. Finally i’m fired, I need a new detective. Though i’ve asked friends and family for their expertise as well, they don’t seem to hold any more (investigative) powers than I do myself. So where do I find the answers? Who is the theif that stole my peace, myself? The world? The people who have let me down, or society?!
Something tells me to go to God…
That doesn’t make sense. I can’t hear God, what has God done all this time that i’ve been struggling? Shouldn’t He be here automatically restoring each hurt I have! I fight whatever sense has nudged me to “come to God” (not even really sure of what that looks like), until finally I have no fight left. I break, I cave, and I find myself sitting still… talking to who I can’t see, can’t comprehend, and haven’t trusted! I yell, I drop an F bomb.. and sometimes I even push things over, like a chair… but then I feel awkward and I decide that isn’t helping anything. Whatever I do I do it until I have nothing left to do, and something happens. My brain starts working, things start making sense. Wisdom far from the solice my own thoughts have ever offerred emerges… out of what? From where? I begin to understand that which can be experienced, but not understood. Though I have read the bible in between the times I was so desperately seeking solutions, I read it now with a different perspective. I come away with inspiration, somehow I feel different.. peaceful perhaps?
I look at life, stories of others and then my own, and I realize something about perfection. It doesn’t exist. No one is perfect. All those people I’ve been envying, the standards set i’ve never lived up to, they become noticably flawed. It appears that this constant state of glory and pleasure i’ve been after, only leads me towards disaster (That rhymes and i’m feeling overly poetic… try to stay with me). Why couldn’t I see, didn’t I know? Those people in the bible were selfish, sinful, flawed… & if we look to them for encouragement we will fall. But when we look at WHO GOD WAS throughout their screwed up lives we find worth instead of demise. (seriously I can’t stop rhyming, i’m really sorry). The point is, everyone is messed up in our own special way, but then GOD shows up and suddenly those people have purpose, hope, love… all these things I set out to find. Heres the catch, its not easy to choose like some people paint it to be.. because in order to have that which sets you free i’ve got to be willing to let go of “ME ME ME”. My whole life I have searched and searched for my own satisfaction. I sought glory and love for myself, instead of for Christ. This is where the choice lies, if I choose to “die” Christ will live in me.. but HE gets the glory. It doesn’t sound like a good trade until you look at your options, the truth is God’s glory is the most satisfying.
Life is tough, write a blog. 